Friday, July 30, 2010

In the End

A good friend once said to me, “Once a woman reaches age 40, she becomes comfortable in her own skin.” At the time, I had no idea what she meant because I was only in my early 30's. Although I have not quite reached 40, I finally feel like I understand. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me; I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I won’t allow anyone to stand in my way again.

However, in my past, I allowed one of my two former spouses to hold me back. I don’t know what my final deciding factor was in ending the relationship; perhaps it was my upcoming 10 year wedding anniversary. I sure didn’t look forward to another 10 years of prison. If I had stayed in the marriage, I know without a doubt that I would not have enrolled in college again; among one of many things. At that point in time, it would have been too much on my plate because I did not have the support at home to make it possible.

So, after a thousand setbacks, I’ve recently realized some important life lessons.
1. I’m learning to appreciate everything more and not rush anything.
2. Time slips away so quickly and what seems like an eternity will soon become a memory.
3. Most important, I know I am the only person responsible for allowing anyone to keep me from success. It may be true that I have many years of bad choices to make up for, but I would rather focus my energy on the future; if only for one day at a time. After all, it’s the past that has shaped me into the strong, determined, hard working mother and wife that I am today.

Regardless, I wish I would have stepped "out of the box” many years ago because doing anything at my age (and in my situation) is much more difficult than it would have been when I had more energy, time, and freedom.

Being comfortable "in my own skin" has shown me not to become consumed with what kind of challenges lay ahead; I am sure there are many. All I can do is deal with life as it happens and be as prepared as I possibly can. I now have the support at home, and with my determination and strength, I know I have no choice but to press on.

Therefore, I feel the following lyrics from In the End by Linkin Park are suiting to me since I have left the old me in another place and time.

“…In spite of the way you were mocking me, acting like I was part of your property.
Remembering all the times you fought with me, I'm surprised it got so far.
Things aren't the way they were before, you wouldn't even recognize me anymore
(Not that you knew me back then)…

…You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart.
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I put my trust in you…”

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Let's Talk About Me

1. Recently, I quit my J.O.B. (a.k.a.Just Over Broke) to be a stay at home mom. After a year and a half of changing diapers and spoiling my family, the time came for me to regain my status as an adult. I decided to make the leap and go back to college and finish earning my accounting/finance degree. This road that I am on is uphill and full of curves, but once I am settled into my new career, I won't have to worry about money (as much as I do now.) Even though it is "better late than never," it is just a shame that I didn't get my crap together many years ago.

2. Acquaintances carry much less baggage than friends. True friends are another thing, and they are the kind of people who I can depend on to help me out of a desperate situation without questions, and without expecting anything in return. On the other hand, acquaintances are kind of like cats and friends are like dogs. Cats do their own thing, and they socialize when they want to. Dogs are always in a persons face; begging or whining. You don't see cats up in their humans face all the time; you see them coming by to "visit" much less often than dogs. A cat won't bother a person unless it needs something, but a dog will be a nuisance for no reason; often because it is bored. So, in human terms, it seems better to hang out with someone every now and then, and not be a burden by calling to cry on someone's shoulder. First of all, I don't like talking on the phone. Second, it's really bad when someone wants to call and talk for two hours. I guess I'm selfish like a cat. By the way, if someone is callng me at midnight, then they better have a good reason.
3. I have a few things to say about getting old and dying. First, the thought of being old enough to wear "big people diapers" and have someone wipe my butt freaks me out. Second, please pull my plug if I can no longer function with out life support. And last, close that "lid" on my coffin. I want you to remember me the way I was and not all cold and bloated. I am plan on enjoying life while I still have the full use of my body and its functions.

4. I want to buy a small aircraft and get my pilots license. Then, I could travel whenever I want to wherever I want! I want to be free and unrestricted with my dearest people with me.

5. Shoulda', Coulda', Woulda'. That's the story of my life! But, what's the point in beating myself up over it. I have learned to be content with any situation I may be in. There was a time when I was so broke that I couldn't even pay attention. Then, there was another time when I was fairly comfortable. Now, I am basically starting over again, and I know I will make something of these ashes. It's all about "keeping my eyes on the prize."

6. I have been knocked down, gotten up, got knocked down again, kicked down, beaten down, stood up, been spit on, risen above, and soared high above. What a ride. I have had no choice but to keep on keeping on. What I'm trying to say is: Bad things come and go. I have learned to buckle up and ride it out. It does no good to cry about it. I no longer believe in having pity parties-no one likes going and it only makes things worse. Chin up, ya' hear?

7. My children and my husband are the most precious people in my life. I would do anything and give anything for any of them. Having a family is a job within itself. There are so many rewards, and I love seeing my children playing and smiling. When children become old enough to return a hug, it becomes the most beautiful moment in time.

8. Life is too short to live with bad memories of the past. It's one thing to have things filed away in the memory, but it's another thing to allow some things to rule when they are not needed. I realize that everything I have gone through has shaped me into who I am today, but I refuse to see anything as something negative. Every bad thing can be turned into something positive. I am learning to live with my mistakes. There's no one else to blame, so I should just get on with it. What's done is done, so deal with it.

10. I am who I am and I will not conform to what anyone else thinks I should be. I do not care what others think; therefore, I will do as I please. I believe in consideration to others, but if no harm is being done, then who cares? And speaking of that. I am not the girl I used to be. I never was shy anyway, I just didn't feel like talking.

11. I like to have fun, and it's too bad if you think I am acting stupid. You're just jealous.

12. I am not prejudiced of other races; I think there are people of all races that can act crappy. It has nothing to with skin color. Now, stupid people are another story...

13. I hate stupid people! Why in the world are you on this earth? To screw things up?

14. Lazy people who regularly mooch piss me off. They roll up in their Escalade, or they buy the most expensive clothes and have a big screen TV; but, they live in a beat up shack, live off welfare, and their young children are unsupervised in the streets. Why do they like handouts, and who are they really fooling? I guess it's all about what's important to them.

15. Just the facts!! Is it necessary to beat around the bush? C'mon, get to the point and make sense. I will understand what you're trying to say much better and you will feel better for getting it out.

16. Even though flowers are pretty, and the gesture is welcome; they die. Show me how you feel instead. I would rather have a houseplant or some other flower with roots so I can enjoy it forever.

17. I am stronger now than ever and I think I can do anything I set my mind to. No one can push me around or force me to change my beliefs.

18. You don't know me til you've walked a half a day in my shoes. It's a lot harder than it looks. But, if there was anyone who could pull it off, it's me.

19. Anyone who has let me go (boss, boyfriend, friend, etc) was selfish. I have some awesome qualities. Maybe the job was boring, or maybe you were boring. I just can't play the way everyone wants me to all the time.

20. I enjoy the outdoors. Being stuck inside really gets to me. I need to be surrounded by fresh air, sunshine, scenery, and beautiful things. The things I don't enjoy about being ouside are the bugs and extreme heat or cold. Are there any CPA jobs for me on the beach? LOL.

21. I think movie stars are overrated. I don't idolize anyone and don't think anyone should be paid outrageous amounts of money for supposedly being beautiful or talented.

22. I will fight for what is mine or my family's. I won't give up. Some things are petty and not worth the hassle, and I know the difference. Somehow, if you win and you were wrong, then shame on you. That's the guilt you have to live with.